I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
hotties wanna shake it
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.