The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
she pinky promised me she was 18
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate