I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?