I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Dating After Heartbreak
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
what if I'm pregnant?
this will be a night to untag.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.