I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...