2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
