The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
