Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"