We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?