I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
