i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.