Texts From Last Night

tylerlove09's Favorites Texts:

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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List

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  (405): Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List http://tfl.nu/9eia
  Replies (1) Good night (308) Bad night (52) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs

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  (727): You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs http://tfl.nu/7zsc
  Replies (2) Good night (310) Bad night (87) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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  (714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick http://tfl.nu/zf2b
  Replies (3) Good night (2148) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.

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  (609): Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him. http://tfl.nu/iwv9
  Replies (2) Good night (933) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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  (312): We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time. http://tfl.nu/tvg3
  Replies (7) Good night (1032) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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  (509): Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish http://tfl.nu/77ap
  Replies (11) Good night (2372) Bad night (1539) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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  (509): I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning. http://tfl.nu/olim
  Replies (7) Good night (2246) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.

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  (479): I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk. http://tfl.nu/vgj4
  Replies (7) Good night (1036) Bad night (247) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.

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  (479): The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man. http://tfl.nu/vong
  Replies (7) Good night (829) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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  (541): I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it http://tfl.nu/0g6v
  Replies (4) Good night (2027) Bad night (264) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

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  (+44): My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts?? http://tfl.nu/jz5d
  Replies (2) Good night (1256) Bad night (294) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!

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  (406): I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before! http://tfl.nu/id35
  Replies (10) Good night (1353) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer

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  (615): The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer http://tfl.nu/n78o
  Replies (2) Good night (766) Bad night (274) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  how did operation slutty penguin go?

  (619): View more from California

  pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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  (303): how did operation slutty penguin go? (619): pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter http://tfl.nu/uigh
  Replies (6) Good night (2517) Bad night (290)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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  (906): Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die. http://tfl.nu/zxmz
  Replies (7) Good night (2340) Bad night (323)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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  (860): Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween http://tfl.nu/izhm
  Replies (4) Good night (1998) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

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  (315): This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID http://tfl.nu/jlhh
  Replies (3) Good night (915) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.

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  (315): It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win. http://tfl.nu/m4nr
  Replies (2) Good night (291) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.

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  (563): However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure. http://tfl.nu/rbiy
  Replies (4) Good night (364) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.

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  (604): We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex. http://tfl.nu/otis
  Replies (4) Good night (449) Bad night (945)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.

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  (817): Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it. http://tfl.nu/7l3r
  Replies (4) Good night (467) Bad night (1189) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.

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  (407): You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck. http://tfl.nu/hypr
  Replies (5) Good night (486) Bad night (1162) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  What does puking wasabi feel like?

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  Like snorting cocaine backwards.

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  (602): What does puking wasabi feel like? (1-602): Like snorting cocaine backwards. http://tfl.nu/l21m
  Replies (4) Good night (431) Bad night (1288) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...

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  (919): So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea... http://tfl.nu/bj54
  Replies (6) Good night (389) Bad night (1387) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

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  (254): I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30 http://tfl.nu/3ama
  Replies (12) Good night (540) Bad night (2313) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

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  (214): Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done. http://tfl.nu/4t9f
  Replies (4) Good night (898) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.

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  (803): I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at. http://tfl.nu/pwf4
  Replies (4) Good night (951) Bad night (366) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Score one for dad.

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  (541): Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job. (503): Score one for dad. http://tfl.nu/kgah
  Replies (6) Good night (1927) Bad night (314)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.

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  (403): I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture. http://tfl.nu/2295
  Replies (7) Good night (824) Bad night (265)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.

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  (843): Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck. http://tfl.nu/fj8t
  Replies (29) Good night (793) Bad night (1888) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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  (540): I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey? http://tfl.nu/z446
  Replies (9) Good night (2271) Bad night (329) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)

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  (209): Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar) http://tfl.nu/xy0l
  Replies (4) Good night (1392) Bad night (323)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Whiskey??

  (706): View more from Georgia

  It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...

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  (574): Whiskey?? (706): It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale... http://tfl.nu/yixa
  Replies (2) Good night (633) Bad night (871)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

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  (860): If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead. http://tfl.nu/1hea
  Replies (10) Good night (1348) Bad night (282) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I'll uninvite my mom

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  (989): He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis. (1-989): I'll uninvite my mom http://tfl.nu/cezv
  Replies (5) Good night (1426) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.

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  (406): Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip. http://tfl.nu/5qjy
  Replies (6) Good night (831) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

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  (603): I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand http://tfl.nu/gtek
  Replies (8) Good night (1990) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives

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  (513): I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives http://tfl.nu/f744
  Replies (6) Good night (1564) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero

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  (571): Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero http://tfl.nu/k0h6
  Replies (9) Good night (1376) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.

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  (416): BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me. http://tfl.nu/xkbl
  Replies (3) Good night (738) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.

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  (540): I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day. http://tfl.nu/r0vt
  Replies (6) Good night (986) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

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  (970): I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh. http://tfl.nu/93er
  Replies (9) Good night (1583) Bad night (600)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Did she say Ok?

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  (512): Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA! (1-512): Did she say Ok? http://tfl.nu/jji5
  Replies (8) Good night (2107) Bad night (562)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.

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  (910): Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee. http://tfl.nu/pw4k
  Replies (12) Good night (1800) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?

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  (402): Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window? http://tfl.nu/mwbz
  Replies (10) Good night (1208) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"

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  (318): Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch" http://tfl.nu/gqk6
  Replies (3) Good night (1040) Bad night (388) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.

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  (541): I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house. http://tfl.nu/7lqp
  Replies (6) Good night (982) Bad night (300) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

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  (814): Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud. http://tfl.nu/9n74
  Replies (5) Good night (878) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"

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  (614): her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed" http://tfl.nu/kvl0
  Replies (2) Good night (954) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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  (516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk
  Replies (38) Good night (6772) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.

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  (434): Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them. http://tfl.nu/1lvf
  Replies (19) Good night (1429) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..

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  (217): The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car.. http://tfl.nu/pl9j
  Replies (7) Good night (554) Bad night (974) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.

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  (713): Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster. http://tfl.nu/j76u
  Replies (1) Good night (817) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"

  (951): View more from California

  That's just where I'm at in my life.

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  (909): Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!" (951): That's just where I'm at in my life. http://tfl.nu/gh6a
  Replies (10) Good night (1462) Bad night (814)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.

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  (954): I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control. http://tfl.nu/bct6
  Replies (1) Good night (371) Bad night (752) Order T-Shirt
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony

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  (409): Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony http://tfl.nu/ljga
  Replies (2) Good night (1158) Bad night (212) Order T-Shirt
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  (387): View more from

  The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

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  (387): The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them? http://tfl.nu/qjyv
  Replies (11) Good night (1315) Bad night (248) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.

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  (773): You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday. http://tfl.nu/8aa9
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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  (419): She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared. http://tfl.nu/zba1
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.

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  (778): they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see. http://tfl.nu/hkkp
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