I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.