imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
