Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.