Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.