Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.