Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.