I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
