she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix