I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
your room smells of hookers.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Actions speak louder than pants.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle