everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair