I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love having hate sex.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.