I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".