I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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