apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward