I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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