I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.