Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.