Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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