DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugly people sure do ruin things
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
if only i could text you this smell
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.