Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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