One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'