We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.