I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory