I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.