I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.