I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Come see our sink grown plant.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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