The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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