i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
