Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
two words...techno handjob
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it was like having sex with a tree stump
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...