Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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