you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
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the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"