Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
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