My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
my poor anus
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
