theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
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watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"