Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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