...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...