Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.