I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...