We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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