This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.