Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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