Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.